With the popularity of bickering in Macon, it was inevitable. For years, the newspaper and TV/radio were the primary means by which area citizens could monitor the bickering of local officials, especially Macon's city council. The spectator sport is enjoyed by thousands but many just won't venture out to attend the council meetings in person. Now they can view the action real-time, and participate in the verbal mayhem, from the comfort of their homes.

A new internet firm has launched a web site to offer interactive bickering to area officials and the citizens they represent. Even outsiders are welcome to agitate, insult and incite flaming.

"We think this meets a real need here in central Georgia," said Randy Aggemon, CEO of Bickering, Inc., the firm sponsoring Bickering.com. "Why should central Georgians wait until the next day to read the highlights on last nights bickering? Now, they can log on to bickering.com and watch the action real-time and even toss a few bricks themselves."

MILLEDGEVILLE - State and local officials are investigating why an abandoned pig was left in a Baldwin County Animal Control Shelter pen where it was attacked by eleven dogs.

The dogs reportedly gouged the pig playing "tug-of war" with its ears, according to Bobbie Thompson, president of Animal Rescue Foundation.

There have been other alleged incidents at the facility, however, all evidence of the events was consumed before investigators could evaluate the scene.

Two weeks ago, a bulldog was apparently left in a pen known as "the swamp" with eleven alligators. Another bulldog was allegedly put in a pen with eleven tigers. Both dogs have been missing ever since. A volunteer ventured into a pen with eleven razorback hogs and was severely injured before he emerged. The volunteer could not be reached for questioning.

Mayor-elect Jack Ellis introduced council members Monday evening to the man who will hold the top appointed position in his pending administration. Darrell Waltrip, of Harrisburg, N.C., will be Macon's new chief administrative officer as of Dec. 1.

Waltrip brings high-speed experience and a driving vision to the job and he wants to help Macon embrace race relations.

"I've got big plans for Macon," Waltrip said. "First thing, we must stop construction of that super Walmart on Gray Highway. My K-Mart sponsors insist on that. Next, we'll shut down all the Chevy dealers in town. I want to see everyone driving Fords, especially Taurus and Thunderbirds."

Ellis was enthusiastic about Waltrip's plans. "I think Darrell can keep us out of the pits as we race into the new millennium," Ellis said. "His shop crew will tune my administration for peak performance so we can lap the competition."

Waltrip said he needed immediate repeal of Macon's restrictions on nepotism. "That's cramping our access to qualified people," Waltrip said. "I plan to hire my brother, Darrell, to head the Public Works department and Roads Improvement. My other brother, Darrell, will take over the transit authority. We Waltrips know about transportation and we intend to speed up the roadways and the buses here in Macon."

From jellyfish to vertebrates, School board committee recommends dunce policy enforcement

Potentially reversing last year's reversal, a Bibb County School Board committee recommended that the school board actually enforce an old policy that students who don't meet graduation requirements will not participate in graduation ceremonies. The Board caved last year in the face of pervasive whining from about 100 whiny parents. If the recently developed backbones withstand the pressure of upright posture, the dunce policy may actually be enforced this year. If the backbones collapse again, then we'll see a reversal of the committee's recommended reversal of last year's Board reversal.

A spokesman for a graduation cap and gown distributor said the move is cruel and excessive. "This rule is insensitive, heartless and mean-spirited," said Doobie Marshmallow. "They want to deny these kids a party all because of one rinky-dink test? These guys need to mellow out, man. There's three really important things in life. Friends and parties. They don't need no grammar and math and stuff---so what's the big deal about passing?" Marshmallow said.

The full board will vote on the recommendation at a future meeting and they're currently bracing for another round of whining.

Crawford commission holds illegal poker game

An apparently illegal poker game of the Crawford County Commission on Thursday resulted in county manager Donald J. Bicafello threatening to have a newspaper reporter arrested for refusing to attend the poker game.

The poker game took place when Crawford County registrar Hal Booker reported to commission chairman Hank Jollis' office for what was billed as an "office meeting" among Booker, Jollis and Bicafello. Jollis and Bicafello said they wanted to discuss "some shuffling" in the registrar's office, Booker said.

Two other Crawford County commissioners - Bernie Lump and Thelma Flaminggass - walked into the room, and the door was closed.

"I was surprised when the other two walked in," Booker said. "I knew it wasn't exactly kosher under the state's open meeting laws not to mention gambling laws----but mainly, I was worried about having enough cash."

Walter Bush, an attorney for The Macon Telegraph, said the closed-door game violated the open meetings law because three of the county's five commissioners were present.

Three of five constitutes a quorum and "if anything other than fishing or golf was discussed," they violated the law, Bush said. "Or, they could have just left the door open. There's also an obscure law that requires reporters to attend any meeting of county officials of which they're aware."

While the five met behind closed doors, Felia Smartin - a reporter for The Georgia Post, a Roberta newspaper - walked by a window on her way to the clerk's office. Smartin said Bicafello flagged her down and told her the group needed one more hand to fill the table and---by the way---needed her to avoid any open meetings legal hassles.

Smartin said she had other commitments such as laundry, her soaps and getting her children from school. Smartin said Bicafello threatened to call the sheriff and have her arrested if she didn't attend the meeting---for at least one hand.

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins